Follow You into the Dark

All anyone really wants, I suspect, is for someone special and loving and generous and warm to hold them when they’re sad or scared.

It is not as though you’ll be sad and scared forever, see. It just happens sometimes, because we’re human. And when you wake in the middle of the night, and there is someone beside you to do that for you, no questions asked, well, that is one of the balms of existence, I would say.

(Right now, I have my 5-year-old, and I don’t wake her up if this happens to me, but she is good at sensing if I need a little boost and wakes up anyway, and she lets me hold her and she’s pretty magical so it ends up all working out. And my cat, too, comes right up to my nose to say, All is okay, darling. And this is paired with prayer.)

So I keep thinking I’m going to quit this blog because I have so many other things I must do for business reasons, things that will lead to financial profit, and then Spirit is like, Well, you’ll just wake up earlier and here’s a seed to write with and there you go.

So tell me, mon cheri, how does one lose faith? How does one walk through life with this pearl in the root of him, and then give it up, hand it over when the winds get tough?

We have all had so much pain. There were so many days that I was a walking wound, that it was as though I stepped out of my body and looked down at it, and all the stories of pain it had accumulated, the years of suffering, the weighed-down bricks of my existence, and I didn’t know how I had survived, or if I would.

And then, my lover, faith leads you to this one lighted passage and later, another, and it takes a long time and then maybe it is fairly quick, and you are healed, and you sometimes start searching inside you for that not-good-enough demon that haunted you and made you see everything in a blistering way, and that not-good-enough demon is finally gone, released into air, and you are a walking beam of light instead of shadow, or the shadow is simply on the outside, dancing around you, instead of the vampiric being inside you sucking goodness and beauty out of your soul.

There is just no way, in any kind of story I would have written for my life, that I would see me here, being me as I am now me, living life as I am living it. Just no possible effing way. So this I know: you can make your plans, and you can envision your life and all that, but what life is really about is getting into alignment with your Vaster Self, your Higher Realm, your Divine Healer, and working in tune with that energy, and from that point letting everything flow.

I am dancing around the thing I really want to talk about, which is Jesus, which is SexyJesus, who is the Presence who helped me heal years of trauma and pain. But the thing I know is that many brains will hear his name, and roll their eyes and turn away. And maybe that’s just my problem, my own trigger, because I know I turned away from the mere idea of him for many years, too, and certainly did not want anyone talking about him and ramming him down my throat. I resisted that guy for a good long time, because he had been held hostage by assholes, and I wanted nothing to do with assholes, and any time I read the Bible it didn’t make sense, and there were so many other beautiful religions and traditions to look at, so why choose him, and then there were these rigid rules about what you must believe about him to follow him and blah, blah, blah.

But in the end, I am always a person who does what works, and sometimes you are in a position where it is, Do this thing or you die, and I choose never to die.

And that is what faith is.

I do not have a conventional understanding of Jesus, the SexyOne, so I think I may be able to help other people who are confused about him, too. Not because I want anyone joining my tribe, necessarily. But because it is just the most natural thing in me to teach, and I am a good reader, and I love the many interpretations and understandings of humanity one can get from a good story, and this, the story of Jesus, holds water, or is worth its salt, again and again, and it visits me and soothes me and there is just so much you can do and explore with a story like this, I can’t wait to dive in more in all kinds of artistic ways.

So what I want to tell you, if you have had Jesus once and have lost him, is that it is not him who is at fault, it is you. He never let you down. He never forsook you. It is just that the thing you knew or thought you knew about him was flimsy, and you were only worshipping him from afar, or worshipping the people who sent him to you, or thinking that by following him you would gain more credibility, or get something particular you prayed for, and I think you were probably praying wrong, and you need to be opened up a bit more to know what is true. Because Jesus, you see, is used to men turning away from him. It is a pretty significant part of his story. The beauty is that he forgives, and lets you in again, and maybe this time you are less worried about theories and concepts and a list of rules and what other people think, and maybe this time you actually know faith.

Because when you are struggling and alone, and anyone faithful comes to faith because she is struggling and alone, Jesus does not leave, and he is not the one who is the cause of your problems. It is people who have disappointed you, or your own choices. Rest assured, he is holding you through that. He is suffering alongside of you, because he knows a thing about suffering, and sends you comfort. I hope you recognize that there is pain and there are challenges that are meant for you, struggles you cannot escape in this life, no matter how much you may have tried, and it is merely your destiny to endure certain things because it makes you who you are. That is a hard pill to swallow, when you’re suffering. And I’m sorry to be the one to tell you the truth. Through this you have an opportunity to grow. The choice to grow is faith, you see. The choice to stay as you are is fear.

But perhaps you do not want a man to be the one who gives this comfort to you in your hour of need. Perhaps, if you’re like me, you want God and sex and arousal to be lined up in some way, because it is part of your being. And so instead of SexyJesus, my dear, turn to the Magdalene, the tower of strength, who knew things, things that have been buried. Look to her as your sacred energy, the one who comes when you call. The Magdalene is the woman, the figure, the creature, who will play with your hair and look deeply into your eyes. She will stand by you in your distress and your discomfort, and figure out ways to soothe your body. She will listen to your fears, and hold you in the middle of the night. She will stick by you when other men, men you thought you could rely on, fall away. She is the ultimate in loyalty and devotion, the depth of abiding love, the beauty of sensuality.

Because God, you see, is not a man.


Photo by W A T A R I on Unsplash

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