Who Are You?

Hi, I’m Jana Rose. Who are you?

You have a name, of course. So sure, throw that at me. I’d love to hear it.

But we both know we are more than our names.

There’s some essence inside us, right? Some substance that makes up the person we are, deep down. Call it fairy dust. Call it soil. Call it the soul, or your innate nature.

And it is wise, and bold, and beautiful.

Or maybe it’s none of those. Maybe all I did right there is just describe me.

Maybe your essence is weak. Maybe it’s fearful. Maybe it cowers all the time in the shadows.

Maybe the essence of you feels undeserving. Maybe it feels like a scared child, waiting for the other shoe to drop. (What does that phrase even mean?)

Maybe the You that you think you are is really flimsy, because something inside you keeps holding you back from greatness. Or happiness. Or either and both.

I don’t know. I’m just guessing, just riffing.

I’d love you to make me an honest woman and tell me what’s what, engage in this little conversation. But I can’t force shadows to reveal themselves. I’m not God. I don’t pull demons out of people. I just want to see you. 

I don’t know much, dude. As I move through this life, and I undergo my own struggles and questions, I come back to that place, over and over again. I don’t know much. Which means I don’t know as much as I want to know. I know some basic things. I know how to communicate truthfully. I know how to act in line with my integrity. I know how to write, I know how to dance, I know how to love. I know how to take chances, take risks. You get it, these sorts of things, and more. But the thing I don’t know is the future. I don’t know all that’s inside people. I can’t say what is a sure thing. (Well, death is.) I can’t tell you how something is supposed to happen, or should have happened, because even when things don’t work out my way, I recognize that may be the hand of God directing me toward something better.

And that’s the part that stumps me. Right there.

What is the hand of God, and what is my choice?

Choice is a powerful thing. Every day, we always have it. Choice.

So think about that. Take that in.

I keep seeing people act from these dark and dreary places, see. Totally operating from stubbornness, or resistance, or desire for control, or lies. Staying in their shadows and living there. To be honest with you, honey? I have compassion, but this kind of living and thinking is also pretty gross. And no one can help if you don’t help yourself.

The Blessed Mother, she helps you when you call. (Call her Mother Mary. Call her Jesus. Gender is fluid, it’s all God, we get that.) But she’s not a fairy godmother, delivering your wish like a Fedex package. You ask the Divine for help, the Divine is trying, but She also has some expectations, you see. You have to cooperate, brother.

Instead you spend your life shitting your pants.

That’s ugly, and you’re a big boy. Time to grow up.

You are not meant to have everything come to you in this life, everything arrive at your door. Yuck, who gave you that idea. The Trumpmonster? I can’t even believe I just wrote that guy’s name. I hope I didn’t evoke him. But it’s men like him that epitomize a very real entitlement problem we have in this country and in this world, men who have been convinced they have to work for their career advancement, and once they’ve achieved that, they’re good, but they don’t have to work for other kinds of happiness and goodness in life, like the happiness that comes from a vibrant community of friends and a great romantic partner and pride in being a parent or leader in a way that isn’t tied to making a ton of money.

What I’m trying to get at, is that I’m sick of seeing men not know how to fucking step up.

I’m tired of seeing them act like boys instead of men. I’m tired of them thinking it’s their education level, or their intellect, or the money in their bank account, that defines them.

I want to see a man who knows what’s true in this life, what’s the most real thing when you sift through all the bullshit, and that is his heart. It is his generosity, his love for other people, his admission of vulnerability, his desire to serve. And he doesn’t only hold these things in his mind. He acts on them, and speaks sincerely, and stays true to his values.

You want a mentor, a model?

Him. That guy. See above.

Where is he? I’ve been looking.

Except I often run into men who think they’re supposed to live in some kind of tough outer shell and that there’s pride to be had in such ridiculousness.

Who the fuck taught you that, brother? No one with any sense, that’s for sure. Stop listening to bullshit and figure out what’s real, and act from that place.

It’s an inner compass. And your inner compass, shitshow? Should not be fear. Should not be worry. Should not be thinking you have it all under control. Should not be extreme desire to control what stupid, superficial people think about you.

You have talents, I’m sure. Play those up. But also play up the fact that there is a lot you don’t know, and you’re not God, and you’re not supposed to be. So admit what you don’t know. Also admit what you want. Align yourself with your values. Do you have any, mm? Stop thinking the people you come into contact are objects to be used for your own gain, whether they’re going to give you money to advance you in your career, or whether they’re going to give you orgasms so you can feel like King of the World. Honor the vastness and fullness and wholeness of the people who you come into contact with every day. Bow your head down to them, hon.

You’re so not the fucking King, see.

Humility is really beautiful. And it’s the wise way to be.

You are not expected to make all the decisions. You are not expected to have all the answers.

This is where faith comes in. You recognize there is something bigger and higher than you, and your job is simply to work in concert with it, and forgive yourself when you’ve gone astray, and just keep coming back and trying.

All you can do is try, honey chile. Maybe you won’t get what you want. But at least you’ll learn something. And you may even get something vastly better, if your eyes are open. So wake the fuck up.

And also?

Stop watching porn that makes you think women are objects for your own gain. Stop imaging these scenarios of everyone adoring you and coddling your ego and start acting like a man in the real world (see my description above), and maybe you’ll have something in real life that worth your fucking salt, instead of living in a fucking daydream.

I can assure you, once you start making better, wiser choices, once you start figuring out who you really are underneath the mess you think you are, a whole world opens up, things get unlocked, life is amazing.

You gotta take steps, though. You gotta own this, figure it out.

Look at your actions over the past few months. That’s a start. That’ll give you something to catalog. Write them down on a piece of paper. The things you did that made you feel good. The things that made you feel shitty. Suss this all out.

And if you don’t like what you see?

Take a different kind of action today. A new habit. Build it, grow it, see how it goes.

Then come back to me for more. I’m wealth. This blog is free.


Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Categories: career, journey, love, spirituality and faith, yoga

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

4 replies

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s