Let me tell you one thing you can never fail at.
And guess what else? Guess what is your primary job as a human being, the reason you’re here?
But honey chile, do you know who that is?
Cause most people don’t know who that is.
You gotta start unlocking the mystery.
Let me tell you about a man I loved.
Man, I was a ragdoll for that guy. And I have never been a ragdoll for anybody, and I never thought me being a ragdoll was even possible.
This was right after my divorce, and I fell into that relationship fast and easily.
Now, here’s another thing about me.
I am not a relationship hog. I am not a person who needs to be in a relationship. I don’t sleep around, and I don’t jump from man to man because I require it for my sense of identity. A lot of people think that when they get out of divorce or a long-term commitment, and now they’re on the singles scene, the way to get to know themselves is to have sex with a lot of people, that having sex with people is going to teach them what it means to be free, or teach them about themselves.
Honey chile, that’s stupid.
The way to know yourself is to spend time with yourself.
Looking at a bunch of naked bodies, using people for your own satisfaction and gain, seeing how many positions you can twist into to have an orgasm is not going to teach you anything substantial or interesting about life.
It’s just like eating an entire bag of candy after Halloween. While you’re doing it, you’re like some animal or monster, loving the glory of more, more more! But how do you feel when the bag is empty, when the anxious frenzy has passed?
And sleeping around will have you feeling that way, too, so don’t do it. It’s a surefire way to put a rock in your heart where there is supposed to live a sparrow.
The experience that is pleasing when it comes to sex and love is the opportunity to go deeper with someone you care about. And you can’t go deeper when you’re a shallow person who is only interested in shallow things.
So buck the fuck up.
But moving on.
The man I loved meant no one any harm, pretty much ever. He was just going through life, doing his thing, eager and enthusiastic about his plans, focused, determined, but also able to throw off the concerns of an afternoon and ride his convertible through a beautiful part of town. He liked to have fun, he liked to experience pleasure. And out of necessity, he had sort of designed his life to be self-sufficient, self-sustaining. He managed many tasks and didn’t have anyone giving him a lot of loving energy, so he went without. He muscled through.
And then I walked in like a puppy dog, a ragdoll, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with that. And by the time he adjusted to liking it, to realizing he was totally and completely worthy of love, I had realized that I didn’t have the internal equipment to boost someone else up anymore because I had never spent time boosting myself, knowing myself. The thing I was most afraid of at that point in life was not being alone. It was that I would choose to be and stay alone, that I would like it better, because I had only chosen relationships at that point where I was the caretaker and it had made me run out of steam.
So when I left, very sadly, and I grieved for many, many months, I told him: “You need a woman who really knows herself.”
I wasn’t sure if he would find her. I sincerely hoped.
But here’s the thing, master. How many women do you know who know themselves?
And how many men?
How many women and men do you know who spend regular time each day getting down deep with themselves and listening to who they are, rather than watching life happen through a bunch of screens?
Your desire in this life, whether it’s in business or romance, whether it’s walking into a new creative opportunity or class, or taking on a traveling venture, should always be rooted in knowing yourself better. And that’s not selfish or narcissistic. The better you know yourself, the better you know what tools you have to bring out in any given situation. The better you know yourself, the more equipped you are to communicate what you’re feeling, what you’re wanting, what you’re hoping to accomplish, and knowing your deepest aim. (I hope your deepest aim isn’t just to make a ton of money.) And when you know yourself, you’re a lot less likely to project your shit onto anyone who walks in the room. Damn, that’s ugly. Have you done that before? I used to do that. You’re ruminating on something, you have this whole story in your head about who you are and that you’re a victim in this life, or something, and obviously every situation that develops simply confirms that story you believe to be true, so you keep projecting that bullshit storyline into everything that happens throughout your day or week or year. Man, that sucks. So when you know yourself, and you’re aware of the story you keep telling yourself, the way you’ve held yourself back, the way you hold yourself down, the problems and weaknesses within you that are your own responsibility, you don’t do that crap anymore. You bring all of you to the table, in every situation. And you honor what the person on the other side brings. And now you’re having a real, true-life, authentic experience, because you’re not grasping at people to bring them into your wildly imagined dark inner world.
We always hear people giving the advice, “Be yourself.” “Love yourself.” But dammit, not a lot of wise people are telling anyone how to do that. We just see a lot of social media platforms where people take pictures and make duck faces.
Or we send kids to college and tell them to get good grades and listen to all the bullshit overly-intellectual crap professors tell them, professors who are often tired themselves of their own bullshit.
Or we teach young ones about the importance of a steady and reliable job and income, and those young ones grow up and sit and waste away in cubicles, and maybe go to talk therapy to divulge about their childhoods and why they’re unhapppy for $140 a session.
Or we suggest going to church, where the leaders at the pulpit stand up and tell you, in not so many words and then in those same many words, that you were born kind of shitty inside and you are always going to be kind of shitty, so sing these songs and sit-stand-kneel, and now you are absolved for a minute—wheee!—and go home and make the bed and do the dishes and do the laundry and come back in a week to be absolved of all the ugliness inside you again.
But you’re checking the boxes, see! You’re killing this thing called life! You’re doing everything right!
And meanwhile you always feel like you’re dying or dead.
And you feel terribly alone.
Do you know this blog is totally and completely free?
Do you know that there is no filter between me and you, no editor approving my work, no desire for me to make money, no advertisements trying to get your attention here? And that’s the way a ministry should always be? Because a church’s doors should always be open, and most churches have their doors perpetually locked, but I am here, writing this, because it is what I’m called to do, and I wake up every morning with a seed planted in my head about what to write that did not exist the day before, and I love doing it so wildly that no matter what happens, my dear, in my business and personal and professional life, I will always provide this free service to you, without trying to monetize it? And I am a damn good writer.
That’s just an aside.
The thing I keep telling you, if you’re ever going to fucking listen, is that you need to start sitting on the floor each day and breathing and closing your eyes for a minimum of 10 minutes. There are other things you can do to make that time special, little accoutrements you can add. But mainly, the point here is that the wisdom is inside you, and has always been inside you, and will always be inside you. This does not mean you don’t need other people. This does not mean you are a fucking island so stop isolating yourself alone, on your couch, watching porn, or whatever other bullshit you’re doing to distract yourself from what’s real and what’s life, m-kay?
Start digging deeper. Stop being afraid of who you are. There is no time like now, baby! None! And what you’re going to find, when you walk on the other side of that door, is that you are actually not so bad! That you are brilliantly and wisely made! That while you are imperfect, there is all this magic inside you, too, and unless you tap into it, you’re going to live like a fucking dead hanging flower! No use to anyone except people who want to make a buck off you! See?
I help people get to know who they are inside. I don’t pretend to have all the answers or be an expert or be God. (Though I may have called myself an expert somewhere because branding is a real pain in the ass and what can you do.)
And I’m not doing this for attention or for people to idolize me or suggest I have secrets or something. I just sincerely, honestly, want to serve.
Because I am a yogi, and SexyJesus is my guru, and this is just the way it is, hallelujah.
Shit, this post got long again. I just can’t friggin’ shut up.
Listen to Jenny Lewis. She is so real. And her boobs aren’t hanging out, although on her latest album cover her boobs are kind of hanging out, and that made me uncomfortable at first, but damn, they are nice boobs.
Tags: Dig and dig and dig and what do you find oh look it's love wow so cool so true so beautiful, Do you look out on your life as if there is no there there, FirstDay Sermon, If everybody wants to make money off of you they're not going to tell you this honey, meditation, SexyJesus, Stop looking out there for what is real you gotta look inside, There is so much there you just have to work to find it, there's a little bit of magic everybody has it, this is not some hippie dippie shit this is actual real life and it is time for us all to rise and stop sitting on your couch trying not to feel things, When you search hard enough you're going to find there is only love, You are going to die one day and it could be today so at least know who you are and what you have to offer, Your insides are not scary they are real and beautiful