If this computer screen did not separate me from you, do you know what I would do?
I would sit across from you in a coffee shop and we would sip cappuccino and eat croissants.
Damn, I love croissants.
And I would ask you about you.
I would ask you something about how you grew up, maybe, or we’d talk about books. And maybe I’d share with you my latest mind-question, about the space-time continuum, or what it means to love—I always want to hear people’s answer on this one—or what makes a successful relationship work. I’d want to talk about men and women, about the assumptions we have about both genders. Maybe we’d talk about sex, whether it is holy, or how it can be used for good and how so often, it is this fleeting escape for people who feel terribly lonely instead of a genuine expression of love. I’d tell you about my big plans for my life, probably, if I trusted you. I’d tell you all my hopes and dreams and how I want to work with teenagers, among other things.
At some point, when we’re really connecting, I’d reach across and take your hands in my hands and hold them. I don’t know why I do that. It’s just that when I feel someone and I are on the same page, I want to hold their hands. I want to touch that person because there seems to be no other way and no other thing to do in a moment that is so true.
Last week—or was it two weeks ago?—I was waiting for someone at a cafe, and I ordered my tea, and I noticed the barista had a necklace around his neck that was wooden and beautiful and I asked him about it. And he told me that his friend made it for him, and he pointed across the room, and he said, “I’ll take you over there.”
Well, this woman was some kind of queen. Do you know that if we acknowledge we live in many realms simultaneously, and that there is so much more happening at a soul level than what our eyes can see, that this man was leading me to a divine healer, a tribal queen? The ancient exists in the present, you see. So I met Xandra-with-the-beautiful-hair, and we talked about stones, and the mandalas Xandra makes, and the way stones breathe and speak to you, when you’re lucky, and call out to you, and teach you things, and heal you. And how this is an ancient knowing and truth that has been lost, that was part of the maternal wisdom tradition that was burned and destroyed in the rising of patriarchal Christianity, and how people like Xandra, through her own intuition, through her own leadings, are reviving what it’s like to connect with the earth and connect with stones and give people gifts based in beauty and truth and ancient wisdom.
And Xandra looked a bit familiar to me, and I wanted to buy one of her mandalas at some point, and when I went to her website and saw the red one on the front page, I remembered last year, when I had seen her the first time at a festival. A stone necklace had called to me then, and I had walked up to it. Music was playing in the background, a young woman with a guitar who was mightily talented. And it was a warm day, and I had a sun hat, and I remember feeling the utmost in relaxed because I had just gotten out of the prison that was my job. And I touched that necklace, and I knew it was speaking to me, but it was expensive, and not only that, I knew I wasn’t ready. Sometimes beautiful things are meant to be enjoyed another time, even though a little sliver of you wants to enjoy them now. And so I had taken Xandra’s card at the time, and lost it, promptly, but now Xandra had come back to me, and now the necklace and I will be reunited, because I am different than I used to be.
And today, I will meet a gorgeous woman for lunch who I met at a retreat a few months ago, a day that was focused on praying and learning about Mary Magdalene. I go to a Catholic community run by women priests, and it is right down the street from my house, and it is filled with vibrant and warm and beautiful people, because anything focused on Mary Magdalene is like that. And a woman there, Marge, leads retreats to teach people about Mary Magdalene, and that’s how I met Sheri, who has recently gone through divorce, and we locked eyes, and we held hands, and we talked over lunch, and now we’re sisters in love, and we get to bask in each other like two puppies.
What am I trying to tell you? I go off in tangents because I get so mesmerized by beautiful people.
What I’ve been meaning to say is that my life is a life born of faith. And this is how it looks.
It looks as though you’re walking in a dream. It’s the kingdom of heaven. In every direction you turn, there is beauty, and holiness, and amazing people. And you can’t turn wrong. The kingdom is in every direction, because it’s a fucking kingdom, and you’re the royalty. It’s just that most people live with big masks over their eyes, and can’t see what’s right in front of them. Angels are meant to light our way and direct us, when we’re open and ready to listen, when we’re willing to see. A lot of people don’t want to do that. A lot of people kind of love their misery.
I don’t anymore.
What I was going to tell you from the time I woke up this morning was that I love every minute of every day of my life, even though I get sad at times, and even though I get confused, and even though I realize over and over again how little I know. I just spend each day being me, and that’s fun. I really love hanging out with me. I’m funny and a bit wild and smart and nice. And some other things, too.
I trust that no matter what happens to me, it happens for a higher good. I trust that I don’t know the answers, or how things should go. I just do my best, I do my duty on any given day, the things I feel called to do, and I let go of the outcome. Or do my darnedest to. And I know God is in control, and that if I mess up, God will redirect me.
The root in me, the thing that keeps me strong, is faith. I don’t lose it. I fall at times. I drop and bottom out. But damn, I always get back up. Like, I just always fucking do. Ask Katie, my sister from another mother, who I just want to fucking kiss right now I love her so much. Ask David, who gets audio messages from me singing Lizzo one minute, and then listens to all my grand plans over lunch and keeps shaking his head. I always say to him, “I mean, is there anyone like me?” He just keeps shaking his head. Ask my son, who won’t actually talk to you about any of this, because he doesn’t really open up, but who was really wary of me for a while, but now sees I’m all good and can be trusted and is finally sharing things with me. Hallelujah.
How do you learn faith? You stop living in fear. You choose faith instead, consciously. You walk on water. Walking on water means that you try things out when you don’t know how they’re going to go. But you’re more interested in learning than you are in specific outcomes, because you’ve witnessed so many times that there are no determined outcomes in life, that the Divine Mother is running the show. You take steps that make you shake inside. And you do it for Love.
I say yes to a lot of things in life. Or I at least experiment a little.
A lot of people say no.
I think, mostly, I just really always wanted to be known. I had such loneliness in me, and I was craving for it be filled. But it wasn’t the kind of emptiness that could be filled by another person. It was an emptiness that could only be filled by the Divine. ‘Cause I tried and tried, and searched and searched, but the Perfect Man never showed up in physical form. People kept disappointing me. And that was because my Divine Mother kept trying to get my attention, redirecting my gaze. Saying, Um, honey? Look at me, please. Eventually, when I was done fighting and dropped my ego into my heart in a moment of despair, I turned to her son, and I did the thing I always resisted, which was ask Jesus for help, and then he showed me truths that are kind of unbelievable, but I believe.
When you’re shown things, and you witness and know things through experience, you just can’t un-know. And so there is no going back for me. There is no other way. I’m in this for life. My loyalty is boundless.
Man, I could go on and on.
Tags: Emily Dickinson died before anyone knew she was a genius, Emily wrote a lot of letters, faith, Her poems were found in a chest, I love croissants they are the perfect breakfast food, I was never a huge fan of her poetry but it's okay, Mary Magdalene, oh you never knew it but you took me by surprise, while i was getting lost so deep inside your diamond eyes