Developing Self-Trust

“Let ’em look.” –MotherJana

How do you know you can trust yourself to make wise decisions?

Trust in yourself is trust in God. It’s that simple.

And that complicated.

Having trust in one of these is the way you learn to have trust in the other, because it’s a partnership, you see.

Two things:

You have some problematic assumptions I need to clear you of. (I hope I remember the second thing when I’m ready to share it after I say this thing first.)

Stop assuming that when you didn’t get the outcome you wanted in a situation, that was a bad thing. Stop assuming that getting an outcome that is not to your liking, means you’re doing something wrong.

Mm-kay? Are we clear on this?

Your soul is meant to grow, baby, so in earth-life, what looks like a bad event or a disaster of some kind, in soul-healing-growth-arena is like, Yay, Good, Yippee, it’s all taking shape, Whoot!

That makes angelic spirits sound like bitches but they’re not. They just see the long game. They have eyes that see the whole entire picture and not just the itty bitty part you’re in, and that whole entire picture goes beyond your little physical incarnation, too, because you are part of the Vast and of the Vast, and whatever growth you don’t do while you’re living on earth will happen later when you’re back again in another form. So do it now! You can certainly do it now! If you don’t, you just have to face it over and over and over again. Oh my God, did I make that clear? Whatever you don’t want to face is going to come back to you over and over and over again. You’re not getting out of this shit. There’s just no turning back. So it makes sense to buck up. Lean in to what you resist. And turn toward what you want. These are the two things you must, must do. And know you won’t know how it’s going to go, because no one can! Cause you are not in control, remember? But you can due your due diligence and not be a pussy, that’s all I’m saying.

(I so have a really great post I’m going to write one day about pussies and dicks, but this is not the time.)

I had a second thing. Shit, I knew I was going to forget it.

Oh yeah, now I got it.

The Holy Spirit is a Weaver.

What this means is that the Holy Spirit gets you out of things not right for you, if you dived in and then later thought, “Nah.” I mean, Sweet-Jesus-Baby is going to always, always give you an opportunity to learn and grow no matter what situation you’re in, but if you’re in a shitty predicament, and you turn to him and his mother (because Mary is Divine and The Real Thing), they’re going to show up and give you some options at one time or another. If you believe in them. If you’re just paying lip service then who knows what will happen and how you’ll make sense of it. But if you step yourself into some deep or muddy waters that you’re not sure about later, and you ask the Holy Spirit for help, she’s going to make magic happen that helps you work with that situation and weave it into an opportunity for personal growth and healing with minimal damage to all involved. So let’s keep this part in mind: You are not the weaver, you see? You are not the one who is meant to orchestrate the exit plan in advance just in case you don’t know what might happen, because that means you’re essentially operating out of fear and thinking you’re in control of things or must be. Instead, you act in accordance with your values, with your beliefs, and you pray like hell all the time, asking God not to do your will, honey (don’t be an asshole), but for God to show up and help you and all others involved, and make this a positive experience, and show you the way forward on any given day. That’s how you live in the present and also get out of shit that sucks if you think you’ve stepped into something that’s no good. Because if you’re asking the Holy Mother for assistance, she’s going to handle that bitch and solve all your problems because that’s what she does.

You should see how she helps me get rock-start parking everywhere I go. Another time.

In the end, you don’t know how shit is going to go down in your life. You just don’t know. This is being alive. This is living in faith, and living in reality. If your life has been rote and boring, you might think you know, but you don’t know, so stop that kind of thinking. So if you accept when you wake up on any given day that you just don’t fucking know what is going to happen, and you’re open-minded and you operate from a place of surrender that allows what needs to happen to work through you instead of be blocked by you,  then you’re living in presence, and in openness, and in reality, and you develop a nice strong compass for how you want to act in the world, according to truth and beauty and love and light, and a whole lot of frickin’ prayer because if you don’t do that you’re just stupid, and so you let go of outcomes, and you just flow with the timing and the motions of the universe. Doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean your emotions don’t get in the way. Doesn’t mean you won’t get knocked down sometimes, and have to force yourself to get back up. But you get stronger in this, and you get better at it, and you begin to see the hand of God in all things, and know you’re just a small part of the whole shebang, and yet you are somehow also as wide and vast and deep as the ocean, because the particles in you are the same particles in everything, and you are one in It and It is one in you, and so on, and so on.

Man, I used to think I fucked up my life pretty bad, on so many levels. I had no strength in my core, just a ball of knots, thinking I screwed up, I screwed up, I screwed up. I feel bad for me, when I was there. I could have died. I thought I had destroyed my life, and I really, really believed that, and I didn’t do anything wrong or hurt anybody, which is why it is especially sad. But the problem was, I had so little faith. I had a really limited view of the way the world worked, and I thought I was in control, and I had no concept of how vast God was and how powerful that Presence is to come to you and work through you and work through others. My view was just really limited, and I couldn’t see the long game. And I couldn’t understand that sometimes you go through the fall and the pit because it is an essential ingredient to helping you lift up, and that perhaps you are meant to learn the depths of destruction and despair if you are ever going to reach anybody on an emotionally intimate and sometimes cosmic level. Our wounds make us true.

The only way to learn to trust yourself is to jump off the spiritual cliff when life is calling you toward it. You gotta jump and take the step. You gotta see. You gotta test this thing out. If you fall and break your bones, well, at least then you learned something. At least you tried. At least then you don’t wake up every day with regret.

There’s something to be said for the people who try and don’t stand at the edge all the time, dripping with sweat.

And if you do jump, and you see that maybe what you did was really wrong, keep in mind it might not be, that maybe you were meant to make that plunge for another, long-range plan, and that perhaps you helped someone in some way you can’t really know in the moment. And if you’re in something you need to get out of, because you get clear on some other level about what’s right for you in a different way, call on that Holy Spirit who will show you the way. That woman is a fucking magician. She’ll work with anything. She’s savvy as shit.

Photo by trail on Unsplash

Categories: divorce, journey, love, marriage, motherhood, singlehood, spirituality and faith

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