Brand New! “About Me”

My name is Jana Rose, and I am going to SAVE THE WORLD!

This site will soon be demolished and replaced with a prettier, cleaner, more professional site in which I do the very important thing of making money, so for now, dear reader, we get to play and say all the things we always wanted to say, or never wanted to say, or forgot to say, or we just, you know, shoot the shit for a while.

So, “About me.”

Jana Rose. This woman who created her own last name (legally, no less!), who started a new matriarchal line for a bunch of people who don’t even exist yet. This woman who reached inside herself over and over and over and over again and built resources like none you’d ever imagine. This woman who became UNBREAKABLE! This woman who WOULD NOT DIE!

Oh my God, I am totally not obsessed with myself, I just need to accomplish something real, like, NOW!

And THIS is the way to do it!

I have the POWER in me!

It is ALL at my FINGERtips.

I take my life SERIOUSLY in a whole new way!

I LIVE my life like it’s an experiment. I SERIOUSLY do! I take all the things that all the spiritual teachers say and I ACTUALLY apply them to daily living!

And guess what that gets you?

No savings account!

Very worried when you wake up in the mornings!

Deliciously alive!

But my friend David has agreed to let me sleep on his couch for an undefined period of time if I should fail in my AMAZING, GRAND PLANS!

So we’re all good. We can just rest easy now.

Mmmm.

This post was to be a sample “about me,” page, a secret mandala that you have today and which will disappear tomorrow. Or Monday, I’m not sure which yet.

And then you are going to be in for a REAL EXPERIENCE!

An EXPERIENCE of positive thinking and all kinds of fun!

And your brain is going to hurt, because I make people’s brains hurt!

But that means your brain is growing, like a muscle! It’s really, really good!

So, let’s get serious.

For a long time, I felt like a victim in my life, completely powerless. Things just happened to me, and I needed to deal with them, I needed to find my way out of the mess that was thrown on top of me, the heap upon heap of messiness. I didn’t know myself, didn’t know what I wanted, was freaking out all the time, but didn’t know why. I had followed all the rules, you see. I had gotten the good grades, and I had found the life partner (partner? nah, that wasn’t what it was called), bought a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood and even planted a tree. I had three delicious children, stayed home with them and taught on the side, and freelanced, and went to the grocery store, and arranged a weekly financial meeting with my then-husband to discuss our budget. It all looked like the perfect life, but something was simmering underneath, and that was the real life, the real Jana, who was disturbed, who had to break free, who felt suffocated in some way by this big job she had taken on of being wife and mother and worker and community person and was she anything else? Did she have an identity that wasn’t defined by who she was to other people? What she gave, what she said, the role she played?

No, kind of. And that was a real problem.

So shit happened, this tornado came, and it forced her to wake up and face all the things she’d been hiding behind for many many years, the layers and layers of masks that she wore, that we all wear, when we decide to sleep rather than be awake, because sleeping is all we’ve been taught, because we don’t know how to live, because no one has taught us how. (Well, there was a guy, actually, a long time ago, skinny and with long hair and a beard, and he was super cool but these mean people killed him and buried a lot of the things he said and did, and didn’t tell us about all the interesting kinds of love he had, and now he can only really visit us through Spirit, but you really have to be open to that kind of thing.)

So, getting back.

There was this one time, after doing yoga in my attic (I really loved my attic, it was like my safe haven), that I had some sort of inward epiphany of all that was to come (I have epiphanies all the time! They don’t always come true! I don’t know why this one did!), and this part of me looked at my life as it was and just said, Let it go. Let it all go. 

And then, shit, it went Poof! 

And I had to figure out next steps. But boy, did I feel ALIVE! Did I feel like I got out of prison! And I was super worried, too, and prayed a lot, and asked for a lot of help from friends and my mom, because my mom always comes through for me and does the best she can do for me in any given situation, and she’s the bomb.

But anyway, more shit happened after that. Shit after shit after shit, and I was like, I love my life, oh my God, I love my life, because deep down I knew I had saved myself, I had broken free, I had gotten out of prison, but there were also many days when I thought I was going to die. When I sat in a cubicle and stared through a window at the other side of a beige building, when I listened to people greet each other early-morning hellos, when I stared at the poetry and images I had tacked up on my cubicle walls, when I wanted, desperately, to be something, and wondered if that something I was going to be would ever arrive. So on lunch breaks, I walked to the nearby college campus and I lay on the grass in the sun, because I just needed my chest to touch the earth, because that healed me and made me feel better. And in winter, I packed my computer every day, and on my lunch breaks, I spent too much money buying lattes (but they were a delicious treat!) and sat next to college students and wrote short stories, and once, a really bad memoir of a time I had in 2017 which was INSANE, and worked on a novel that I actually finished and will publish one day, but who knows when or how because agents don’t get me.

And I wandered the halls of this tall building in the city, asking, Is this all there is? Is this what it all means? You go to work, you put numbers in spreadsheets, you read manuals for how to do godawful technical things, and then you go home and drink wine and eat cashews in front of the television until you fall asleep, and then you do it all over again?

THIS CANNOT BE MY LIFE!

That lasted for 3 years.

There is more, but I’m saving that for my memoir.

What I’m trying to tell you—I really have no intention here, I’m just rambling—is that Oh my God, I have become who I always wanted to be! I have! She’s here! I’m her! It’s amazing! I love it!

And I have not become her after making a lot of money. (Oh wow, if you knew the half of it.) I did not become her because someone else walked into my life and created her for me. (Ick. So many of us think that’s going to happen and that’s just so unbelievably sad and wrong.) I did not become her once I got all the material possessions I wanted to have. Cause I don’t really want many of those. I have a few things on my list, but mostly, I’m pretty content with simplicity.

I became her because I fucking dug, and I dug, and I dug in the ground until I found her. She was buried for a good long while. She was buried by me, and my assumptions, and my unknowingness, and my resistance to things. She was buried, kind of, by other people who didn’t see me and who didn’t give me all the support and encouragement I wanted. (Which is life! People are just doing their thing, they can’t fix everything for you!) And she was buried by a culture and a society that has a huge effect on the way we behave, the conditioning of our days, what we think is right and wrong, which is not always right and wrong. If you’re a sensitive person, and you really know how to love, you have this problem of thinking that love is giving yourself away, sacrificing pieces of yourself, which you often don’t even know you’re doing, you’re just so ready to be generous and compassionate, to give to other people, until you recognize you have no resources left inside you, and you’re sort of empty, a pilot light where the fire can’t start. And you can’t burn like that forever. If you try to burn like that, you’re going to go out, or your poison is going to infect the whole house and make the carbon monoxide detector go off, and that house is going to be destroyed or something until you figure out a better way.

But anyway, what I want to share with you is that all those years of searching and searching and having faith and never giving up, even when it felt like some days I was barely going to make it, have paid off.

I am UNSTOPPABLE! I BELIEVE IN ME! I am like a frickin’ commercial!

And maybe no one gets me or understands me, which really bothered me for a long time, but now I don’t even care! I, like, dance on the sidewalk while I’m taking my morning walk, and I don’t care who is watching! Because get me. I love me. And getting people isn’t even a thing, really, because people change and grow, and you’re not supposed to be gotten, you’re just supposed to live.

And David is going to let me sleep on his couch if I become completely broke living my best life, and I can mooch his wifi, and I have a computer that is all paid for, and I have clothes, so we are all fucking good.

Anyway.

Thanks for reading.

I’m going to miss you!

(If you follow me through WordPress, bookmark motherjana.com so you can find me once I switch to a self-hosted site, which is super-soon.)

Photo by Juan Camilo Navia on Unsplash

Categories: journey, love, spirituality and faith

Tags: , ,

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