Warning: This post got way out hand and became terribly long, so you might want to skip it.
I can’t believe I am about to write this.
It is so ridiculous it makes me sick.
That a person is supposed to admit she has needs.
That a person is supposed to identify those needs, and then when there is a situation where one or more has to be met, she is supposed to communicate that need, to reach out to a person or people who may be able to fulfill that need and actually admit she doesn’t have it all together, and that she needs help in this life.
This is such an unbelievable and ridiculous thing to say out loud, it must be coming from the beyond.
And I am pissed that “The Beyond” is taking over my hands and making me say such silly, wise, really true things.
What now? I just said the thing. Now I have to say more?
The thing is, if I actually write this, I am going to seem completely a mess! I am not going to seem like THE STRONGEST PERSON ALIVE! And I want to appear to be THE STRONGEST PERSON ALIVE! The person who KNOWS EVERYTHING! The person who has CONQUERED LIFE!
So how will I appear that way if I admit I don’t have every part of my life together? If “having shit together” is even a real thing? Like, where did that phrase come from? Because shit belongs in a toilet and not spread out to begin with? And how would one even “gather” shit together, because it’s kind of mushy, or is supposed to be, if you have a healthy diet?
There have been many times in my life when I broke down so hard I had to ask people to help me, in one way or another. I had no ego during those moments, I just had fear and sometimes, sickness, and I had nothing left to fight the vulnerability, so I just reached out. A dear friend of mine, who has struggled with depression for many years, told me once that the thing she keeps doing, over and over again, to stay alive, is ask for help, and that is a message for all of us, because if you don’t ask for help you will never receive, and in her experience, you may not stay alive, either.
The problem is, sometimes when we ask someone for something, they say no. And that really, really sucks. That has happened to me before, too. And that hurts so bad that when it happens you sort of decide never to ask for help again.
And some people don’t even say no nicely, or don’t have a sweet way of telling you why the answer is no and that they love you anyway, even when they are denying you the thing you feel like you need and want most in the world. Some people are just assholes! So don’t ask assholes for help. Or if asking for help reveals that someone is actually an asshole, don’t take that personally, because you never wanted to be around an asshole anyway.
Man, I just remembered someone who was a real asshole but I didn’t know it at the time.
When I was in France this past summer, and in the midst of what Quakers would call “a leading,” which is a mystical experience where you feel tapped into the divine (I know, I know, you’re like, right, sure….), everything sort of slowed down as I processed information, and the nudge I kept getting, no matter what, was to keep asking for help. For like, stupid things. Like, I was at a rest stop, in a rental car, and I wanted my bluetooth from my phone to link to the car so I could drive with my music coming out of the car’s speakers. But damn if I could figure that out. And I anguished over it for a good long while in the French sun (which is way better than the American sun), until finally I just asked the guys in the van next to me, because they were smiling at me, and I figured they might be able to help. My mother would totally freak out about this, because as a woman alone you’re always one step away from being raped, but I asked anyway. And they helped! And all three of them worked together to figure out my car! It was delightful and I was so, so happy, and then I could listen to Maggie Rogers blasting through the stereo all the way to, where was it? Marseille.
And I have asked people for help in other moments, too, really sticky intense moments I don’t want to go into, because that would be TOO MUCH INFORMATION for an itty bitty blog post, but when I thought my life was going to end and I was going to die, I asked my mom for hugs and to lie with me in my bed for a while, and she gave them to me even though she also had a lot of worry and fear, because she didn’t know why a hug would mean so much, but it made me feel alive instead of floating in particles.
But once I asked my grandmother to watch my kids when I was in a stuck place and she said no and was really harsh about it, so that made me decide not to ask her for stuff anymore.
So you kind of don’t know how things are going to go.
Wow. Phew. I am quite a piece of work. I feel so emotional, it’s like I’m stuck in a Taylor Swift song right now.
How many words is this post so far? 902. Okay. Have to wrap it up.
(Do you know this whole site is about to change and I’m making it very serious and income-producing? Yes, stay tuned. A local guy is helping me, though I’m paying him, so sometimes help comes in the form of money. God, I love money. I just want to roll around on the floor with it.)
Essentially, people, your ego cannot run the show in your life, and it is the brave and strong person who admits her or his vulnerability. Let me repeat that, bitches, because that is a part which requires you to really fucking listen. A brave and strong person admits her or his vulnerability.
Pause and let that truth wiggle around in you. Don’t read the next line yet.
I’m sort of not sure how much ego a person needs, because all the spiritual teachers would tell you the main practice of life is ego-lessness. But we hold on for dear life to the ego, to the hierarchical categorization of all things. Our hierarchical categorization of all things, to be exact. We need to create and maintain the story that we don’t need other people, that we can do things on our own, that we are tough people who are mighty and all that. We invent the story that we are superheroes and we must live inside massive shells and we are not human beings who have needs.
And let me put my hand on your shoulder and stroke your cheek and tell you, that is totally bogus.
The only things worth doing in this life (and there may be more, I haven’t totally analyzed the following statement), are learning to trust yourself—to trust your body, your instincts, your path, to trust what happens to you is alright just as it is, that you are able to handle anything that comes your way—and to ask for help when you don’t know what to do, because that’s how you get somewhere. That’s how you get anywhere, to be exact. That’s how you get to living the life you truly love and want, and seriously, you should do that, go toward your dreams and all that, instead of always turning away. Because a lot of people have this tendency to turn away from what they want instead of toward it. We think we don’t deserve all the longings of our hearts and souls. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure how we got that message. Mainly, it’s just fear that if we put ourselves out there and someone stomps on us, we’ll break open and cry so much we may never be able to stand up again, that we’ll be convinced we are awful and worthless, and needy, and undeserving of all the good things waiting for us.
I wish I could hold you when you feel like that, so my hands and my skin and the love in my heart could find a way to show you that it is not true.