Let me start off this post by saying I don’t know anything. Like, nothing. I am wildly talented and disciplined, but I lack worldly success. Nothing is ever enough for me. I want things to be perfect, and nothing ever is. I am difficult to please at the same time as I am humbled and overcome by how wonderful the world is. I think I am low-maintenance, but no one ever is. Except men. I think men might be low-maintenance.
But that is a generalization begging to be untrue.
And so I don’t know why you read me. I don’t know why you’re even spending the time here. I am a wild woman, a crazy lady, a person whose mind is rarely in control (except when it is). And as soon as I have one thing pinned down in this life, something else comes along, and poof! All my grand plans, my grand visions, my grand understandings, melt with the snow.
I also, on any given day, don’t know what’s going to happen. That really sucks. That pisses me off most of all.
What I am is kind and generous. I give of my time and I give of my heart. I give of my money, when I can, even though I wish I had more of it so I didn’t have to worry so much. Such is life.
I learn and grow, all the time. I am wide-eyed and curious, always open, even when it doesn’t make sense to be. And this learning and growing business fucking sucks, if you want to know the truth. And it is really beautiful.
I am immensely hard on myself, though I’ve gotten better about that. A shitload better in this past year. So that makes me happy. I don’t have that nagging, aching hang-up that suggests I’m not good enough. I totally love who I am, warts and all. But I have no actual warts! And yet the sage and rituals I perform in the bedroom may make me seem like a witch. A really sweet, kinky one.
I am so wonderfully, vulnerably, achingly human, I’m dripping with human-ness everywhere I go. I am so not above you in any shape or way. I will never be above you, even if I make millions of dollars and people pay to read my books. And because I feel so strongly about that, I will probably never make millions of dollars and publish all the books I want to publish, just so that I protect myself from thinking I’m above anybody.
But you want to know the truth about all of this?
It is hard to do all this living your life business alone. It is hard, and quite beautiful, and quite unbelievable and true, but also very hard, to manage everything as one imperfect person who has a lot of flaws, things she just can’t fix. Because I’ve been to the mountaintop, or whatever, in my soul, and in my heart, and I’ve explored all the territory I can possibly possibly explore up to this point, and I’ll never get ahead of any of it. I’m just in it, forever. In this body until I die. In this soul who will go on to do God knows what. Maybe she’ll just become part of the ether of The Grand Canyon (where I’d like my ashes spread, by the way, when I pass on, because that place is the essence of all of me).
I just want to be saved, and one-time saving is never enough. I want to be saved over and over and over again. I want to be saved every minute of every fucking day. I want to always live in the beauty and essence of what is true.
So it’s Christmas, and I think the reason I’m telling you all of this is because it is a season and a time of renewing, of being made new. And I’m kind of tired of being made new? I kind of feel like I already am? And yet there is so much more newness to be had, and so much fear about the unknown, and what will happen to me, and where I will end up, and whether I will do all the things that are my duty to do, and whether I can even figure that part out.
And I make mistakes, and I walk in the flames, and I burn in the fire, and then I rise up again, and I float, and I soar, and then I land on the ground in a heap, and then I start all over again.
It is the most beautiful, amazing, awesome thing. It is what it looks like, and what it means, to be alive. It is something I will always be eternally grateful for, and humbled by, to live in the beauty of being human.
This is the message of hope. This is the light in the darkness. This is the reminder of what is true. There is always birth. There is always calm after the storm, even though there will always be another storm. There is just ever-changing, ever-new growth. It just doesn’t end. Because if it ends, you die. Whether it’s on the outside or on the inside, you die.
So don’t die. Be born. Be born anew everyday. Live your wild hopes, your desperate dreams. Uncover your beautiful self, all of her, all of him. Live into the essence of who you are and recognize there is so much to be learned and all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and no one knows a fucking thing.
But we have love. So much love surrounds us and is in us and moves through us.
Never forget the power of love.