For many months, I have been tackling the questions surrounding God, sex, and money. As you probably know, these are pretty tough. These are places “spiritual” people tend not to go.
So I can find a shitload of stuff in the Bible about God and money—give to Cesar’s what is Cesar’s, you cannot worship God and money, give up your financial wealth if you are going to follow the spiritual path—but shit, there is just nothing from SexyJesus about sex.
Isn’t this a little weird? This kind of absence? It is kind of like the absence of women’s voices in the New Testament and other parts of the Bible. The kind of absence that makes you start to wonder who was in charge and who was putting this publication together. I worked in a publication once. I saw the kind of shit that went on behind the scenes. It wasn’t pretty. And the biases of the people in charge had a lot to do with the kind of messages that went out into the world.
So, the conclusions I’ve come to based on other sorts of readings and mystical interpretations is the possibility that SexyJesus was a tantric master, a sexual powerhouse. The kind of guy who, when you’re in his presence, you feel a jolt of aliveness energy run up your spine, from your sexual organs to your head. You’re turned on in some way, and it doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a man. And you’re turned on in such a way that you are reminded of sex, but you don’t think of it as the sort of thing that’s a simple means to an end. Instead, this tantric master puts you in a steady alive state where your whole body is turned on and you just want to bask in his presence. Like the water, he says, which he’ll give you and which will make you never thirst again.
Ick, and then we had that guy Paul, who was so confused and always pulling out his hair and always writing letters upon letters in a manic state and got so wounded by a woman (or multiple women who didn’t want him) that he started telling people Don’t have sex! You can’t be a spiritual leader and a sexual person! Let’s start a church where leaders deny they are sexual people!
And that went really, horribly wrong, and has not worked for 2000 years.
This post could be a fucking book, so how am I going to get to any sort of point?
The point is I have no answers yet on this question. I have some experiences, which I’ll share. I have some theories.
The main problem we’re dealing with now is shame surrounding our bodies and sex, the message we’ve been taught and which is getting taught over and over and over again that our bodies are bad, that we’re bad in some way. This is from the Catholic church and lots of other Christian churches, and it’s in the ether of a country that was built on Puritan beliefs, and it comes from our parents’ inability to talk about sex in any healthy way, and it comes from pretty much every mixed message we get in the media—television shows, lots of online porn, glossy photos of women in magazines in supermarkets, stuff like that.
The problem is that we are sexual beings, because we came into the world as mammals who are capable of reproducing, but we are much more comfortable with the story that we are violent beings who want to blow people’s heads off rather than admit we’d like to orgasm frequently, that an orgasm is actually good for the soul.
The problem is that we think a good person cannot also be a sexual or sensual person.
The problem is that we have all these mythologies and ideas and fantasies and assumptions around sex, but we don’t know how to talk about them in a healthy way that doesn’t make us burn in shame.
The problem is that women have been fucking raped and harassed and beaten up and assaulted and treated like shit for a really really long time, and now women and men don’t know what the fuck to do when it comes to dealing with sex. So most of them close their eyes and hope everything will be okay, until it’s not. (If you’re gay or bisexual and open to discussing any differences about this, I’d love to interview you.)
Again, I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. The messages I received from an early age—and remember that messages do not have to be spoken out loud—were these:
Your body is a sexual object and men think they own it, so you have to protect yourself.
Your body is made for a man to enjoy. It is not really yours. (This is kind of the same as the one above but it bears repeating.)
Pleasure is not for you. That’s for men.
Don’t touch yourself. Ick! That thing down there is bad!
Good girls don’t have sex or like sex; they just do it to please their partner. And you’re a good girl, aren’t you?
Don’t be independent or go out alone or do fun things, cause you’re gonna get raped.
Be careful what you say. You’re gonna get raped.
And then there’s the one that says sex should only be saved for marriage, but who ever took that one seriously? Except the people who did and big-time regretted it later, and sort of daydream all the time about what it would be like to have other sexual experiences.
(Also, the implicit message about mothers and sex is that these two things are like oil and water, and once you have kids you are now owned by your children and your man, and that double-time means you’re a vessel through which other people experience pleasure and nurturing and you can’t have any of it for yourself. Yeesh. No wonder women take a lot of pills and drink a lot of wine.)
All this is to say that, this situation is really a mess. And we need teachers. We need people to help. Because sexual connection is such a natural part of a fulfilling life, and yet when we have all these mindbenders about it, all these stories and assumptions and fears, we have no idea what to do, and so we shove all our desires down and repress ourselves, and then issues arise in us that materialize in another sort of way (like sickness), and we’re right back to where we started. Oh God, I feel for you, if this is your case.
So I am not saying a person should go having sex with everyone he or she meets. That’s self-destruction. But I also don’t think you have to save a loving connection for the marriage bed, because seriously, it may not make sense to get married. (I just saw Marriage Story. Holy shit.) What turns you on sexually does not have to be forbidden or bad. There can be goodness and love and a kind of wholesomeness and good sex. And sex can be fun, something that’s a load off, something that doesn’t make you go crazy, if the people involved have a healthy approach, which not many people do.
In the meantime, while I’m sorting all of this stuff out, I’m encouraging every woman I know to get the jade yoni egg and devote substantial time to working on her own sexuality so she can feel good and confident in her own body, and heal a ton of the world’s sins through her own pleasure so she doesn’t think her whole existence was made for somebody else. (And by the way, I know plenty of men feel that their existence was made for someone else, too. It sucks for all of us.)
And for men? You are awesome. You are, most of you, really kind and thoughtful and considerate, and also confused, with good reason. I’m sorry a bunch of assholes took away your good name. I’m sorry you have to do extra work now to make it up. The only advice I can give you is to treat women with respect, ask them questions, be a gentleman, don’t give up. Don’t use anybody for your own ends. Be honest and upfront. And if you’re fortunate enough to be with a woman who you’re hoping to see naked, be patient, loving, and kind. And communicate. Just fucking communicate. This dating app culture means everybody just goes silent and disappears when something isn’t instantly gratifying. It’s so stupid.