Do you know how to let go?
I certainly didn’t, for a long time. I grasped on to everything tightly, like a kid gripping her bicycle’s handlebars. I thought that would keep me in control. Nothing would fail. Things wouldn’t go wrong, because I wouldn’t let them.
Isn’t this cute? It reminds me of a boyfriend I had once who, when I told him that the relationship wasn’t working, declared, “I am not letting this happen.” My heart swooned for him in that moment. I liked being wanted.
But alas, I liked living my own life more.
You just can’t know what’s in store in the coming days, or weeks, or months. (And psychics don’t know either, I’m warning you, so don’t get attached to them.) For some people, life seems to all work out. They like their jobs, they like their partner. They have a nice place to live. They save their money and sleep restfully. Months and years pass with relative ease. They have wine and dinner in the garden and no mosquitoes dare to eat them.
I don’t know how you get that kind of life. Perhaps you have to be some sort of ascended being.
For others of us, we have earthquakes and fires, poof, boom, pow. It doesn’t mean God is pointing Her finger at us, saying, You are damned, it’s all going to hell, give up. It just means there is some kind of long-range growth for our souls. So, maybe in our waking life, everything has gotten smashed to pieces. But our spirits say, Oh, this is very good.
I don’t know, for sure. I’m just riffing.
What I am starting to suspect, due to all my meditation and reflection and blah blah blah, is that there is a plan for us when we come onto earth as a physical being, but the plan is big and long, and may take a bunch of incarnations. It may take a lot of time, and it will likely involve other people who don’t want to cooperate. But there are openings, or offerings we can step into, and those accelerate us a bit. If we want to accelerate, we have to face our shit. Because we do have choices. We can choose to stay in the dark and ignore our problems, our flaws, our questions and the longings of our soul. We can let our minds get out of hand and convince us of outrageous, silly things. Or we can sit with ourselves for periods of time, and do some inner work, and begin to recognize those little breadcrumbs that come down the pike that get us to the next phase. And when we learn to see them, and receive them, we step in to another dimension of consciousness, or something. We begin to see our deeper potential, the vastness of what is possible. We can stay there and fight any kind of further change, or we can keep practicing, keep digging a little deeper, and we find there’s an opening again. Which leads to a moment of, Woah, I can’t believe this is possible. And so on.
I’ve wrestled with this question of choice, of destiny, of “God’s master plan” for a while, and I can’t come up with any definite answer, because I am not enlightened. (And if I were, I probably wouldn’t tell you the answer, because I’d be so enlightened about what kind of information I should give you.) But this idea that there is a fixed plan for your life, that every day is set in stone, just doesn’t sit well with me. I think there are multiple levels of potential, and it’s up to us whether we’re brave enough to wade through the bullshit and seek truth, or greater knowing. (Which we do not get from the internet.) Because, for instance, a beautiful girl I knew killed herself, and I just couldn’t fathom that that was God’s plan for her. I think her demons won, and she’s going to have another opportunity to defeat them. Next time, I hope she wins. Because she didn’t have to die that way.
My point, beyond all this rambling, is that you have choices in this life about whether you want to grow. Most people, I think, keep saying No. They stare at their phones too long, or lock their spirits inside their bodies, or never deal with their anxiety, or cling to other people to tell them all the answers, or just shut down their emotions. Many people are so overwhelmed with fear and worry and personal demons that they find a couple of things that work for them, like wine or sitcoms or trips to the beach, and they stay put, only getting occasional glimpses into a deeper, vaster reality. I am not judging these people. For all I know, this lifetime is just a nice rest from all the hassle they’ve dealt with before.
But people like me, we’re lucky. We get the shit hitting the fan a bunch of times. We get to wade through quicksand and figure our way out. And we realize we’ll either perish or we’ll find a way to stand up. So when we finally get out of the mess, we move through life with the tools of experience on our toolbelts, the kits of openness and resilience and humor. We make choices to know ourselves so we’re clearer about our motivations. We practice kindness and love and wisdom instead of fear and anger, because anger’s power wilts, and love is stronger.
Life is rarely orderly, or neat, or linear. The hand of God is not obsessive-compulsive, and she’s usually too busy to run the vacuum. This does not mean everything is wrong.
My point, beyond all this rambling, is, that when life happens to you—its chaos, its confusion, its beauty, its wildness—say yes instead of no.
In the long run, yes just works better. It feels better, eventually, too, with a little practice. And it’s how you let go.