Things don’t always have to be said to be understood.
When I was young, I was taught a very bad lesson by a very evil man.
The way he looked at me when I was a child made a part of me know that the things he wanted to do were not appropriate, were not safe, were not whole. It was something I would never have been able to speak about, because there were no words for that kind of look. But they pervaded me, and they shut something down in me, and they made me feel dirty inside.
And I thought it was my fault.
I thought there was something about me that was wrong to elicit such a look. That I had done something, or that I was damaged.
I thought I deserved it.
So as I grew up, I kept far away from men, even though I wanted their affection. In high school, when a boy looked at me or showed interest, I put up a big heavy wall that said, No. I wasn’t saying no to the person, really. I was saying No to him, the one who had hurt me and violated me with his eyes.
The only conclusion I could come to, in a world where no one talks about these things, where shame abounds about women’s bodies and women’s hearts (and men’s too), was that something was wrong with being sexual or having any sort of sexual inclinations. The conclusion I came to was that my body was bad, and sex was bad, and even though I wanted it, it was something that should be done in a dark room, hidden away in the unconscious, an act of hiding rather than revealing who you are.
This early experience also gave me the false impression that all men wanted was sex, that sex was the only way they looked at women.
But that is not true. In a pure woman—a woman healed and whole—a man sees his mother, his sister, his aunt, his teacher, and, potentially, his lover. But a lover is not the only thing he sees. He finds depth and beauty in her figure and her presence, and he knows women are more powerful than he may have expected.
That may be scary to some men—the very insecure ones, the ones who remain wounded—but the men I meet are hungry for that kind of woman, that beautiful whole woman who will teach him things. They want to learn. They want to say, How did you get to where you are? Who are you? How are you? What does it feel like to be in your arms?
There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s pure human connection, and it’s beautiful.
We have had so much trauma based on a false system of Self, that we often don’t know how to relate to each other anymore, don’t know how to love and let be. Is that possible, you might ask? Yes! Loving someone and also letting them be free to be fully who they are, without trying to own or control or dominate. That is, in actuality, true love.
There is nothing wrong with sex. Nothing. Sex is beauty and kindness and compassion and joy. But the how is very important. Which is why I’ll say you should only have sex if there’s love. If you don’t love the person, then you’re likely using them for your own orgasm, and masturbation can happen alone, at home. So do that there.
But if you really want to connect, have fun, enjoy the pleasures of being human? If you are open-minded and yet show love and respect for a person’s boundaries, as well as your own?
Sex is only love.